The 21-Day Relationship Reset Challenge Day Two: Reset Your Pattern of Conflict Resolution

dreamstime_xxl_89251993Day Two of “The 21-Day Relationship Reset Challenge” will encourage you to take a deeper look at how you resolve conflict, as well as to consider whether the way you understand, manage, and resolve the conflicts that arise between you and your significant other perpetuate an underlying pattern of dysfunction that threaten the stability of your relationship.

Conflict resolution can be defined in many ways, depending on the spark that ignited the conflict; and, there are just as many strategies that you can use to resolve the conflict.  For the purposes of this challenge, conflict resolution will be defined as a way for two or more parties to work together in pursuit of a peaceful solution to settle any disagreement that arises between them.

Establishing New Norms Around Conflict Resolution

In other words, the key to resolving conflict begins with a desire to work with the person you’re in disagreement with to achieve resolution.  Without that desire, your efforts to work toward solving the problem will be sabotaged by your inability to see beyond your perspective in the situation, which will limit your ability to accept the other person’s point-of-view and to understand why that person feels the way they do about the subject that ignited the disagreement in the first place.

That’s why it’s so important for you to recognize how you resolve conflict in your relationship; especially if you believe that you’re not part of the problem.  If, whenever you find yourself in a disagreement with your significant other you either:

  1. find yourself being dismissive of the concerns being raised;
  2. place the blame for the conflict on your significant other;
  3. become unwilling to accept responsibility for how your actions contributed to the disagreement; or,
  4. you become overly loud, boisterous, disrespectful, etc., as you stonewall your way through the confrontation, you need to reset the way you resolve conflict.

Yes—you can change your conflict resolution default settings.  All you have to do is recognize the pattern of behavior that you default to whenever you find yourself in conflict with your significant other, accept responsibility for how your actions contributed to the conflict, then hold yourself accountable for changing how you react and respond during all phases of the confrontation.

The Challenge   

As you begin to think differently about the way you resolve conflict, your challenge will be to shift the way you think about the purpose for conflict in your relationship.  Conflict arises whenever there’s a breakdown in the communication process, and the disagreement always present an opportunity to learn how to strengthen not only communication between you and your significant other, but also your relationship, overall.

When you find yourself in conflict with your significant other, take a moment to “check-in” with yourself before you do or say something in the heat-of-the-moment that could cause irreparable damage to your relationship.  During your “check-in,” try to identify what led to the conflict and how your actions could’ve contributed to the disagreement.  Then, try to understand your significant other’s perspective on what led to the conflict.

Once you understand the differing perspectives around the conflict, shift the focus from the feelings and emotions attached to the perspectives by suggesting possible solutions, based on the perspectives as expressed.  Then, you’ll be able to get to a place of agreement about the nature of the conflict so that you can work toward resolving the problem.

If you want to see and experience change in this area, you must be willing to do the work of improving how you handle, manage, and understand conflict.  Then, allow everything that you learned about how your resolve conflict to guide you through the process of setting appropriate goals to help you remain consistent in your efforts to honor your commitment to this process.  This consistency will go a long way to help you resolve conflicts before they arise.

Next Steps

The third topic will be introduced on January 3rd, so be sure to subscribe to TheWifeFiles and to follow us on all social media @TheWifeFiles so that you can follow along until the end of the challenge.  We look forward to connecting with you.

Thank you for accepting this challenge!

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The 21-Day Relationship Reset Challenge Day One: Reset Your Pattern of Communication

dreamstime_xxl_89251993Communication is traditionally defined as a two-way process of reaching mutual understanding in which the participants not only exchange information, ideas, and feelings by encoding (sending) and decoding (receiving) messages, but also create and share the meaning of those messages through spoken words and body language (gestures) to further express and confirm understanding.

Based on the concepts expressed in the definition of the communication process as highlighted above, we can conclude that the communication process is most effective and efficient when both participants feel comfortable enough in their relationship to freely express themselves from a place of complete honesty and mutual respect for each other’s point-of-view.

Conversely, we can also conclude that the opposite is be true because the communication process can become ineffective, inefficient, cumbersome, and counterproductive whenever something interferes with the participants’ ability to efficiently and effectively send, receive, process, and interpret messages.

Those “somethings,” also referred to as “breakdowns” in the communication process, are the primary threat to the overall health and stability of our relationships.  Why?  Because they misconstrue the purpose that initiated the communicative exchange in the first place.  We need to work toward changing this, which is why the first day of the “The 21-Day Relationship Reset Challenge” will encourage you to “Reset Your Pattern of Communication.”

The Importance of Self-Assessment

Before you can reset your pattern of communication, you must first identify your communication style (either passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, or assertive).  Understanding your style will help you to better understand why you express yourself the way you do, which will make it easier for you to figure out what you need to do to improve your communication skills, overall.

After you’ve identified your communication style, you should take some time to think about how you come across to others—especially your significant other.  For example, does your assertive communication style make you come across as being bitchy, inconsiderate, bossy, nagging, etc.; even when you’re not trying to be difficult?  Does your significant other see you as being confrontational, even when there’s no conflict brewing between the two of you because you tend to communicate in an aggressive style?

This process of self-assessment will require you to take a long, honest look at how you communicate.  The challenge will be for you to use what you discover about yourself as you work through this process to hold yourself accountable for your efforts to change.

The Challenge

Using everything that you discovered about your communication style during the self-assessment phase of challenge, initiate a conversation with your significant other in which you seek to gain a clearer understanding of their perception of your communication style.  You challenge will be to listen to your significant other’s thoughts; constructively and without interrupting.

As you listen, identify any consistencies between what you discovered about your communication style and what your significant other is telling you.  Be sure to also make note of any differences identified.  Then, allow the information that you gleaned to guide you through the process of setting appropriate goals to help you remain consistent in your efforts to honor your commitment to this process.  This consistency will go a long way to help you work through problems before they arise.

Next Steps

The Second topic will be introduced on January 2nd, so be sure to subscribe to TheWifeFiles and to follow us on all social media @TheWifeFiles so that you can follow along until the end of the challenge.  We look forward to connecting with you.

Thank you for accepting this challenge!

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The 21-Day Relationship Reset Challenge

dreamstime_xxl_89251993Psychological science tells us that it takes approximately twenty-one days of consistent work and targeted effort to form a new habit.  Whenever we decide to change any aspect of our behavior in terms of how we think about, act in, and respond to real-life situations, it takes the brain approximately twenty-one days to establish new connections to recognize and facilitate that change.

In other words, the process of forming a new habit is dependent on three variables—a conscious decision to change a behavior, consistent work toward that end, and targeted effort over a minimum of twenty-one days.

As we sit perched on the eve of the New Year, tradition tells us to “resolve” to set goals around changing some aspect of our behavior that we believe will lead us to happier, more fulfilling lives in the coming year.  And, what do we do?  We make a list of “New Year’s Resolutions”which most of us will not keep—because we recognize that there are things about ourselves that we want to either change altogether or improve for the better.

So why do most of us abandon our efforts to achieve the resolutions/goals we make; oftentimes even before the month of January is over?  The answer to this question is rooted in our inconsistencies with fully commit ourselves to working through the entire process of forming new habits, which is why we either fail in our attempts meet the goals we set or quit before we reach them altogether.

The same dynamic expressed in the answer to the preceding question can be used to provide insight into why our relationships with our spouses/significant others breakdown when we fail to recognize the connection between our inconsistencies with fully committing ourselves to the process of working through the issues that threaten our relationships and holding ourselves accountable for implementing the actions we need to take to be the change that we want to see in our relationships.

This is the primary reason why TheWifeFiles felt compelled to challenge everyone involved in a relationship that they’d like to see grow stronger in 2018 to accept “The 21-Day Relationship Reset Challenge.”   The idea behind this challenge is relatively simple—you can change the trajectory of your relationship for the better if you’re willing to make a consistent effort to change your mindset and your patterns of behavior in your relationship IF your can accept responsibility for the things you need to change with respect to how you relate to your significant other.

As you work through the “The 21-Day Relationship Reset Challenge,” you’ll be required to make a commitment to establishing twenty-one goals that correspond with twenty-one specific topics over a period of twenty-one days to help build consistency in your efforts to strengthen your relationship in the new year and beyond.  Once you establish your goals, the challenge then becomes for you to have an open and honest conversation with your significant other so that you can begin the process of reconciling your differences before it’s too late.

Repeat this process with each new topic until you work your way through the challenge; then start over and keep repeating the process until you’ve developed new habits with respect to how you interact in your relationship.  One new topic will be introduced everyday over the next twenty-one days, so be sure to subscribe to TheWifeFiles and to follow us on all social media @TheWifeFiles so that you can follow along.

Thank you for accepting this challenge!

Trusting After Trust Has Been Broken

Woman thinkingTrust is one of those things that when it’s broken, it’s very hard to rebuild.  In marriage, or in any relationship for that matter, trust can be broken in many ways—lying, cheating, abuse, infidelity, addiction, disrespect, etc.—and the list of violations is infinite.  The unintended consequence of broken trust in any relationship is that the person who violated the trust will always be regarded as dishonest and untrustworthy in the eye of the person who was violated until the one who was violated sees AND has sufficient reason to believe otherwise.

Some folks will argue that once trust is violated, it’s unlikely that trust can be restored in that relationship; regardless of the type of relationship that ended because of the act that violated the trust.  It’s easy for us to get stuck in a place of unforgiveness when we feel as if we’ve been wronged in some way.  It’s even easier for us to stay stuck when we’ve been wronged by someone close to us—someone whom we love, trust, and respect.  That’s why it’s so hard for the person who was violated to either accept or believe that any effort or action made by the offender to make amends for their actions is coming from a genuine place—especially is the offender is inconsistent in their efforts to right their wrongs.

On the other hand, there are those folks who believe in the power of forgiveness to right wrongs.  These are the people who are more likely to take a chance and trust again because they understand that forgiveness, in-and-of-itself had a healing and restorative power that is the key that unlocks our ability to give and receive love unconditionally.  The love that springs forth from the well of true forgiveness is the foundation on which our strongest relationships with others is built.  Nowhere is that statement than in marital relationships.

The Process Rebuilding and Restoring Trust

So, the question becomes whether it’s possible to rebuild trust in marriage after trust has been broken, and, if so, how can that broken trust be restored.  The short answer is YES…it IS possible to rebuild trust.  The not-so-short answer to that question is that while it is possible to get to get to a place of forgiveness and restoration as you work through the process of rebuilding trust, the “process” of rebuilding trust in-and-of-itself can be a bit complicated—especially when you consider the offense that caused the breach of trust in the first place.  

The ONLY way to rebuild and restore trust after it has been broken is with complete honesty and absolute truth—yes, there’s a difference in that you must be honest in all of your dealings and you must speak the truth at all times.  In other words, you must do whatever is necessary to reestablish your integrity while you work through the process of rebuilding and restoring the trust that was lost.  In reality, there is no single process or set of steps that you can take to magically make things right to rebuild and restore the trust that what was lost.

The process of rebuilding and restoring trust will not look the same for everyone, and should be guided by an introspective process of self-assessment to help you determine the extent of the work that needs to be done to rebuild and restore trust.

When we don’t’ fully embrace the power of forgiveness, we tend to default to using a de facto level system of accountability to guide our ability to determine the level of forgiveness we’re willing to extend to cover a violation of trust corresponds with the emotion that we felt; based on the type of violation that was committed against us.  The problem with this “system” is that it’s counterproductive in that it keeps us bound by negative emotions, which limit our ability to be guided from a place of love.

So how, then, do we get to a place of determining how long it will take for the healing process to repair and restore what the trust that was broken so that everyone involved can move forward in love?

The Power of Self-Assessment

To answer either of those questions, you must be honest enough with yourself to own your part in the breakdown that’s contributing to the trust issues that pose a threat to your marriage.  You’ll need to take a long look at yourself in juxtaposition to what’s happening in your marriage to help you identify how your actions, your attitude, and your inaction (in some instances) contribute to the trust issues that are infiltrating your relationship with your husband, and opening the door for mistrust to take root.

Of all the reasons why marital relationships breakdown, broken trust is likely to be at the top of the list.  Trust gets broken in marriages when one spouse begins to feel as if their needs aren’t being met, which makes that spouse more susceptible to venturing outside of the marriage to get those needs met—whatever they may be.  This is why some spouses risk compromising their integrity as they pursue “outside” interests to get their needs met.  This reckless, self-fulfilling behavior is yet another contributing factor to the breakdown of the marriage itself.

If you’re consistently unable to identify your flaws or see how you contribute to the trust issues, it’s likely that you’ll always stay “stuck” because you’ll never be able to see how you contribute to the problems that could potentially lead to the violation of trust.

Key Take-Away

Trust is the foundation that all strong relationships are built on, especially marriages.  Whenever trust is violated, you must be willing to work through the process of rebuilding and restoring trust through truth, honesty, forgiveness, and love.  You must also be willing to work through the process of self-assessment to identify how your negative behaviors contribute to the types of breakdowns in your relationships that could lead to violations of trust.  Then, and only then, will you be able to take responsibility for your actions with consistency and integrity as you work to rebuild and restore trust in your relationships.

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“What’s A Wife to Do? This Chick Just Made a Pass at My Husband…”

dreamstime_xxl_86228324Of all the e-mails that I receive from wives asking questions about how they should “handle” different situations that arise in their marriages, I felt a strong connection one e-mail that I received in which a wife asked about how she should address a situation in which one of her acquaintances made repeated “passes” at her husband.

Although her concerns are specific to her marriage, the question that she raised with respect to how she should handle the situation speaks to the fact that her problem with her husband exists on a much larger scale, and likely impacts lots of couples at some point in their respective relationships.  I’ve copied the text of her e-mail below to establish the framework for my reply.

The Dilemma

Dear Tawni,

I’m not sure how to start, but I’ll just go ahead and put it out there. My best friend and I have been friends since elementary school. Even though life has taken us in different directions at times, we always managed to keep our friendship intact and pick up where we left off.

An old acquaintance that we both graduated high school with recently reconnected with my best friend, and now that they’ve reconnected, I see the acquaintance on occasion when I see my best friend because she always manages to find a reason to be with her. I never really thought of as a friend, just someone I would make small talk with.

My best friend likes to host family events, and I’m always available to help because our families are very close and my family is always in attendance. So here’s the problem. The acquaintance has made a couple of passes at my husband during a couple of my best friend’s events! My husband told me about her advances, but not when they happened because he knows that I would’ve knocked her out and ruined my best friend’s events.

This is why I decided to reach out because I need to hear some advice from somebody outside of this situation. I’m the type of person who will slap first and ask questions later, and I don’t play when it comes to my husband and my children. I’m trying to decide how I’m going to handle this acquaintance because I don’t care for her much anyway. She crossed the line and I know that when I see her Its going to be a problem. What’s a wife to do?


I Won’t Be Disrespected

The Connection

I COMPLETELY understand EXACTLY where this wife is coming from! Trust me, I do. I recently found myself in a similar situation; one in which an old acquaintance hit on my husband while we were at a party…AND I was in the same room! Talk about bold. What’s worse is that this chick wasn’t my friend…wasn’t even so much as a factor in my life. To be clear, the only connection that we had was through my best friend. Oh the drama!

My husband told me about her “advances” after we left the party. When he did, I thought to myself, “why didn’t you tell me this while we were still at the party when I could’ve addressed her directly?”  Perplexed by my husband’s decision to NOT divulge this information when it happened, I asked him WHY he didn’t tell me what she did while we were at the party, and he told me that he knew that if I would’ve confronted her in that environment, the outcome wouldn’t have ended well for her.

In complete and total honesty, I imagined slapping her to sleep one good time; however, I was convicted in that moment.  I was instantly reminded of God’s grace.  I said a quick prayer for her, and one for myself as I asked God to help me to forgive her so that I could go on with my life—a life that she obviously wishes she could have with my husband.

As a reformed “slapologist,” I know how quickly one can reach out and slap someone for just about any reason whenever you feel as if you’ve been wronged in some way.  From that, I learned how counterproductive it is to allow your actions to be dictated by your emotions because emotions are inconsistent and unstable; and, will make you to jump to the wrong conclusion every time.

Whenever you find yourself standing in the heat of a moment of confrontation, you must have the foresight to stop and consider everything that you have to lose in that moment when you let logic give way to emotion and YOU end up in handcuffs sitting in the back of a squad car, pending an assault charge.

In other words, you must count the costs.  It’s far better to forgive and move forward then it is to hold onto a situation that will rob you of your power and steal your joy.  You must also be diligent in keeping your emotions in check so that your actions will be guided by wisdom and personal accountability, as opposed to whatever you’re feeling at any given moment.

The Key Take-Away

Wives, here’s the bottom line—we must establish clear boundaries around ourselves that clearly indicates the cut-off point for the levels and types of disrespect we’re willing to tolerate—my “Boundary Line” is set to “zero” because I have a “zero tolerance level” to entertain any level of foolishness, and rarely does anyone receive the benefit-of-the-doubt from me in scenarios such as this.

The undeniable truth of the matter is that we already have the upper-hand simply because we’re wives.  That’s why we must learn how to leverage our power as wives without conducting ourselves in ways that make us compromise our dignity, our integrity, or our worth.

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The Double-Standard of Maintaining Friendships and Relationships with Exes and Members of the Opposite Sex After Marriage

dreamstime_xxl_97735725There’s no easy way to delve into this topic; especially if you’ve either experienced, or are experiencing, a rift in your marriage because of your husband’s continued friendships/relationships (i.e. “frelationships”) with his exes—or with any member of the opposite sex for that matter—now that you’re married.

For some, the answer to the question of whether men and women should remain friends with their exes or with any member of the opposite sex after they get married is pretty cut-and-dry. For others, the answer to this question is not so simple.  There are two distinct lines of argumentation regarding the appropriateness of spouses maintaining “frelationships” with members of the opposite sex, including their exes. Here’s the dilemma…

To Friend or Unfriend?

On the one hand, there’s a subset of wives who feel as if their husbands should NOT have any friends of the opposite sex; especially if those friends are not mutual friends. Period.  End-of-discussion.  These are the wives who believe that ANY type of relationship, fellowship, communication, interaction, or friendship with an ex- should NOT happen under any circumstance, for any reason—except in situations involving children where co-parenting is required…maybe.  Some would argue that the wives who fall into this category may feel a bit insecure in their relationship with their husbands, which could be a sign of some underlying trust issues that need to be resolved in that relationship before they start to negatively impact the overall health of the marriage.

On the other hand, there are those wives who believe that it’s perfectly okay for their husbands to have friends of the opposite sex, and are equally accepting of his efforts to maintain those “frelationships”—even if they’re with exes.  Some would argue that the wives who fall into this category are a bit more secure in who they are and in what they add to their husbands, which makes them more open, supportive, and secure in their relationships with her husbands, and less likely to question their fidelity to the marriage.

Regardless of where your opinion on the “to friend or unfriend?” continuum, always remember that your thoughts and feelings on this issue are important, and that you should feel comfortable enough in your marriage to address your concerns with your husband—especially when it comes to his decisions around maintaining friendships, relationships, or any type of alliance with a member of the opposite sex that makes you uncomfortable…for any reason.  As his accountability partner in life, it’s your responsibility to hold him accountable for his “actions” by bringing your concerns about his behavior and how his behavior affects you to his attention…no matter how inconsequential they may seem.

Stay Solution-Focused

Remember, wives…maintaining healthy patterns of communication with your husband is the most effective ways to leverage your power in your marriage.  Therefore, it’s critically important for you to check your motives before approaching this topic with your husband.  Begin the conversation with the end-result in mind, and be open, honest, and clear in your intentions for addressing the issue.

It’s okay to feel what you feel; just be honest enough with yourself to acknowledge what you’re feeling so that you can use your feelings as a tool to help you effectively leverage your power from a place of authenticity.  The last thing you need to happen while you’re in the process of navigating your way through an already delicate conversation is to let uncontrolled feelings to get misinterpreted and emotions to overrun the discussion.

The key here is to be clear about the “why;” that is, to be clear about “why” the issue of maintaining “frelationships” with exes and people of the opposite sex is an issue in for you in the first place.

Before you even begin to formulate an answer to your “why,” you must start by examining the reason why you feel the way you do, as this will help you gain a clearer understanding of why you see this as a problem.  Are these “frelationships” somehow upsetting the balance in your relationship with your husband? Have you noticed any changes in your husband’s behavior that could be attributed to his “frelationships?”

Asking yourself those two questions are a good place to start. For every question, there is usually an answer, so you must then ask yourself are you prepared to embrace and/or hear what your husband has to say about th

ese “frelationships” specifically, with respect to why maintaining these associations is so important to him.

Beware of the Double-Standard of Accountability

In much of the same way as you examine your reasons for feeling the way you do about your husband’s “frelationships,” with members of the opposite sex and/or exes, you must examine your actions in the same way. Now, take a good, long look at yourself in the mirror. Are you the one maintaining “frelationships” with members of the opposite sex and with your exes that you should let go?  Will your husband be able to attribute any discrepancies or oddities in your behavior to any “frelationships” that you insist on maintaining with members of the opposite sex or with any of your exes?  Do you think your husband will be prepared to embrace and/or hear what you have to say about your “frelationships” and why maintaining them is so important to you?

Do you and your husband share similar points-of-view regarding the appropriateness of maintaining friendships and relationships with members of the opposite sex and exes? If so, that’s great! However, if you don’t, the difference in perspective will begin to show itself as a lack of trust, which will cause turmoil in every aspect of your marriage to the point of causing you to doubt everything that your marriage is built on.

Key Take-Away

So, the only thing you need to figure out is which type of wife you’re going to be when you reach this crossroad and must address this issue in your marriage.  You have to decide whether the “frelationships” that your husband chooses to maintain with members of the opposite sex and with his exes is worth fighting over in the long-run.  Then you must be woman-enough to be okay with however you choose to handle the situation.

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